mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I hope mine doesn't look like that
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
