I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
