i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
