I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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