I need to stop coming to work sober
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
