My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
