ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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