FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
