if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
