and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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