Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
