He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I just found a bag of teeth...
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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