i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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