I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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