Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
