Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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