I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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