I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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