It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
