Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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