just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
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Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
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She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You ruined the universe
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