that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
