dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
