I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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