At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
