Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
