This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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