if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
