you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
