Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
