why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.