best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
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