You smell like a Billy Joel song
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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