i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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