I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i believe in u and ur pee
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