he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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