I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
