Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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