i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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