this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
