my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
