I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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