I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
What a dumb baby whore.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
