It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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