Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
