I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
