girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
