I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.