Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
