so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
