When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
