dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
