Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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