it was like fucking gandolphs beard
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
