I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
